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Must Love Dogs

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NOTE: Before reading this story, understand that I have no desire, never have had a desire, and never will have a desire to have sexual relations with any animal that does not meet the strict qualifications necessary for membership into the human race.

Enjoy!


I have an abrasive sense of humor. It pushes the envelope… off a cliff. At the bottom of that cliff, there are sharp rocks and it lets the envelope’s wife and infant children watch as the waves mercilessly toss the envelope from rock to rock, slowly ripping his corpse to shreds.

In other words, I sometimes make “no-no” jokes. I have a strict rule, however, of getting to know someone fairly well before I release my more adventurous side. Though I enjoy taboo subjects, I very much do not enjoy making people uncomfortable. Until they become good friends with me, at which point I rarely turn it off. Be kind to strangers, be an ass to your friends. This is my mantra.

I was out with five people. One old friend, four new strangers. Because of the staggering number of new people, I was on my best behavior: laugh at this joke, politely explain my job, listen to that story, agree that Los Angeles traffic is quite a doozy, repeat. My sense of humor was safely bound and gagged, a gimp in brain’s sex dungeon.

This worked. I was on my way to having four new friends that thought I was completely normal. Then, one of the new friends suggested we all continue the night at her house.

Hanging out in her living room, my patience was tried. The drinks from the pub were catching up with me. Jameson and Guinness, whispering in my ear, “Come on, they’re your friends. You can be yourself…” And then her dog sidled up next to me.

“He likes to have his neck scratched,” she told me. So I scratched his neck. Now, I am not a dog person. I am not even really an animal person. But a cute little doggy is a cute little doggy. And thus, I was forced to use my “cute little doggy” voice. “Ohhhh, yer so cah-yoot, little doggy. So, so, cah-yoot! Yer so cute, I just wanna have sex with you!”

…

“Um… Did everyone hear what he just said?” Everyone heard what I had just said. Jameson and Guinness were gone. These people were not my friends. They did not know – as my friends would have – that I actually had no interest in sex with this dog. They did not know that I just say ridiculous things sometimes. No. They simply thought I wanted to f**k a dog. And I think that’s pretty funny.

~Don Julian
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